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Bear

I read something really funny today. Well, I think it's hilarious so I wanna write it down before I throw the magazine away. It's from a sports magazine called "sport" with the "s" lying horizontally. Hmm. So yea, it's "sport" issue #90 published on 12 Sep 2008. It has 6 pages under "special feature" on Bear Grylls, the crazy English fella who eats and drinks whatever he can find in the jungle. I like him. I think he's a cool dude. Britain rarely produces cool dude (erm, bloke?). Andy Murray? This issue has a few pages on Andy Murray as well but seriously, I dun really bother. Who does?

The last page on Bear Grylls is hilarious. It's called Urban Survival with Bear Grylls. "London is a dangerous place but, with Bear's help, you can survive the urban jungle".

Bear, we're walking down Oxford Street on our way to buy some new pants when a giant, savage poodle tries to maul us to death. What should we do to survive?
"I was always told in my army days to just whip your shirt off, wrap it round your arm to protect it, offer it that, let it go for it and then jam your fingers together straight into both eyes. Then squeeze together into its brain, hold it there, and it will release you and die. You're safe." LOL....

We're ice skating on the frozen Serpentine and then - crack! - the ice breaks and we plunge into the freezing water. We don't want to die wearing ice skates, so what should we do?
"The first thing is don't panic. You can die from the gasp reflex when the shock makes you breathe water into your lungs, so you need to control your panic. Turn around and look at where you fell in - you know the ice is good to get out from. Break the ice, then ease your weight up and wriggle like a seal, kicking hard and spreading your weight. When you get out you need to get warm, so take your clothes off and start doing press-ups." WTF...

We're on the London Eye and it's really hot - bloody global warming - but it gets stuck, the sun is baking through the capsule and the air conditioning is screwed. How do we stay cool?
"Have you got a window in there?("Not sure," we say). Well, that's very hard. Dehydration is a real killer. I've been to desserts where it's so hot they say that, if you don't have any water or survival skills, you're dead in three hours. Smash a window, get a bit of airflow through and, if nobody is ever going to get you, you're going to have to climb down. I've often thought about climbing the London Eye. I've examined it - it looks quite straightforward."

A bear has escaped from the zoo and is standing in our kitchen with its nose in a jar of peanut butter (HAHAHAHA). We're angry, but scared. What do we do so your namesake doesn't eat us?
"Even large animals fear humans. They will only attack as a last resort, so your best chance is to avoid eye contact and adopt a submissive posture. Back away slowly and turn side-on, as a full-frontal posture could be seen as aggressive. Never run; the bear will think you're prey and charge. If attacked, throw yourself to the ground, protect your neck and throat and play dead. If you have a knife, stab at the eyes and mouth."

It's been one hell of a day Bear, so we get hammered at the Below Zero Ice Bar and pass out behind a seat. When we wake up, we've been accidentally locked in. How do we stay warm?
"You can do like they did on that famous Ernest Shackleton expedition. Stranded on an icefloe, Shackleton knew that if he stopped moving he would die - so he marched around the icefloe all night. The real discipline when you're cold is to keep pumping your fingers and toes - so make sure you keeping moving all the time." Hm...I thought we need to conserve energy.

It's now nighttime, and we realise we've lost our keys, our wallet, our phone and crucially, our Oyster card. Where do we seek shelter in London?" HAHAHA Oyster carddddd
"Newspapers are very good. Grab yourself some newspapers, find a park and get under a bush. You need to get protection from the weather; the biggest killer is the wind, so get out of the wind, get a bit of cardboard to keep the rainwater off you and huddle up in a ball. If you're with someone else, hold each other real tight. Or you could just go to the nearest pub."

Ridiculous but damn funny. HAHA.

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